Farces

out in a blue monday,
gathered in a hall yellow
with chairs burgundy,
sat amongst the crowd of nameless faces
looking at a flamboyantly dressed person,
bright as a neon sign she was.

after the wordless babble of monotonous ritual weekly,
interjected between two announcements,
speech commenced.
script boring,
tone of voice that made all the difference.
SO! the sarcasm dripped,
flooding the floor with her last stand,
Support she got from the masses.
swept beneath a 122 ear by 16 ear by 18 ear carpet in the hareem
she was.
thick the carpet was indeed.

"go with our blessings", the royal plural said,
to another environment,
that she may prosper.
will she, won't she?
was it better after all?
attention seemingly diverted,
towards the central core of it all,
of why?
not of opportunity this was,
but the closure of a door,
a door embossed with the three colours.

O Giovanni, beckon no more
chaos she needs not.
ASSISItance she requires.
from one chaos to another,
'tis cruel.
amnesia will soon set in,
pursuit of happiness,
Hope, she finds.
[ ]fully..

had the oddest of experiences today. reaching into the soil to grab at a lump of semi solids that felt like cold custard. what it was turned out to be rotten tuber turned to mush. yet another experience, albeit a weird one, in the otherwise mundane life of mine.

Given enough time, one can get used to anything, be it happiness, suffering, sorrow etc.

where is home? does it lie where we reside, where we spend time sleeping every night? that is mere housing, but home is a psychological state of mind, something that i have been trying to experience and have found from time to time. the quietness brews and spills over, covering everything in its path. the quiet rush has begun. there is no reason for this random splurging on thoughts.

just what keeps us in singapore? loyalty or just the inability to get out? and where has the trust gone? reading about the ren ci ceo incident,i cant help but wonder what has charity in singapore become. if the allegations are true, this monk would not only have disgraced the charity organization he came from, but also disgraced himself as a monk. if...., the allegations are true.

every year i recall the many charity performances on television. do we really need to see actors and actresses perform strenuous and dangerous stunts in order for us to shell out some money in the name of charity? one definition of charity would be "Benevolence or generosity toward others or toward humanity". sure, the people donate in the end, but have they really done charity? have they really given from the bottom of their hearts in the hopes of reaching out to the less fortunate, or do they donate simply because it is part of a yearly routine?

with so many charity shows each year, i cant help but feel a sense of sympathy towards the actors and actresses in this country. having to take part in so many events in a single year, coupled with a small pool of actors, will indeed put a strain on them.

all in all, if one does indeed want to donate with a true sense of charity, do so even when there are no charity shows or flag days.

in the loneliness of the night, and after being sick of analyzing king lear extracts, hoping to juice out every possible link and connection, i sit in my chair in front of the com thinking what is going to be. so many things to think about: future job, a family if possible, holiday destinations, and place of retirement (not singapore)

job: preferably in botany or the like. if one cant live without plants, why not making a living with plants? or if that isnt possible, a job in science that requires thinking and creativity. most importantly: the job must consist of non repetitive activities.

family: this is uncertain for sure. what is for sure is that if there are children, they had better be the quiet, perceptive type that thinks before speaking.

holiday destinations: anywhere that isnt singapore. dont mind travelling to any place in the world, but with a special liking for asia and africa. aim: to visit almost every country in southeast asia at least 2 times, and visit madagascar for extended periods of time.

retirement: a country that allows for a nice, quiet ambience. if there is a place with the serenity of village life and accessibility of a small town (with internet of course), i will move to there. preferably somewhere in asia, where i can still feel asian.

future aim: to at least perceive something no one else has bothered to perceive in the realm of science.


a tall order though, 'tis all is..

one of the songs from hellboy 2: cant smile without you. overall the movie was ok.... not too good, and not too bad, with a somewhat cliche plot ending.

took the bus home from vivo city for once, and the journey just went on and on and on, even though it was about 40 min.

guess this is one of the last outings i will be having for a long time, if you consider that ioc is in a matter of weeks and prelims are after that.

switched my brain off while outside tonight, just refusing to think at all, perhaps that will increase its resale value in the long term?

today was an odd day (besides it being tuesday, an even day). the first part of the day was ok, but it was towards the end that a sudden sadness started building up, for reasons unknown. it kept building up till on the way home i just felt consumed by total sadness, while still being able to remain on the sidelines and remark mentally about why would i be sad about anything. the source of this sadness is still currently unknown, and perhaps it will remain unknown for years, until a point in time when there is sudden inspiration regarding the matter.

the feeling of sadness this time round, can be comparable at best to the feeling of sadness one feels when knowing the world is about to end the next day, but yet knowing full well that no useful contribution has been made for the betterment of society. in short, a wasted life.

perhaps it was just because i had the sudden urge to want to be alone.i just wanted to be alone and yet have company at the same time, however contradictory it may seem. perhaps i may look upon this post next time i laugh it off, but for now there are no smiles.

caught up in the thought process of world lit. as per normal, i need the pressure of a deadline to drive me to work, or else my mind just wanders off the track. frankly, why Lorca and Ibsen chose to use specific props to portray their lead character is not within my area of interest.

nothing much seems to have changed in the days leading up to, and after the exams. school still exists, scumbags still roam free and innocence continues to be lost.

for one thing, i kept taking different personality tests, and in almost all i got an INTJ score. does that automatically make me a grammer correcting, arrogant bastard who is supposedly the most self-confident of the 16 available personality types? that certainly remains to be seen. i do admit that i am confident in knowing what i am good at, which is plants but rather useless in academia at this point in time on the education ladder. and i do know where i am weak at, namely mathematics as well as a short attention span. i can live with the labeling of sarcasm but i do hope i do not have that much of a morbid humor as suggested. that would be simply terrible, would'nt it be?

What drives me? not just the desire, but the need to do well in what i have a genuine interest in.

today was having a chat at a coffeeshop at serangoon north with a few other people, when the discussion topic changed towards the direction of how the botanic garden is going down. indeed an inner sadness filled me, as that place simply does not deserve the name of Botanic garden anymore. if the living collection is mostly dead or soon to be, and botanical research has ceased to exist, what remains is just a run down garden.

that lack of taxonomists in the region does spur me on towards such an occupation, the need to feel a niche that is lacking in manpower.

one other aim, to be good at botanical illustration which till now remains as an illusive dream.

Was it worth it after all,
to leave your home, to see the world?
Or was it worth it after all,
to betray the trust, to do what's right?
time makes fools of us yet again,
time lost and found, decisions made and regretted,
all but a transition.
We,
stand together as a group,
facing the onslaught as one,
but yet,
it is as
one,
that i wish to stand alone,
facing the cold, dry, wind.

weird, odd, random ramblings at this time of night. the timing of the exams do indeed make all the difference. even when this exam is over, there is no carefree mode to switch to.

Time is always limited and confined to 24hrs, but all the more i feel that at least today was well spent.

Two things that piss me off: the lack of understanding, the lack of communication.

the calm between the storms. the closing of one chapter, and the start of yet another.
nothing much to blog about these days, especially if these few weeks have been rather bland. after all, just wanting to stick to my resolve