how strange life is, one moment there, the next moment it just moves off. as the sheryl crow song title puts it, everyday is a winding road. always fraud with curves and bends, and yet more often than not we travel forward without the presence of a comforting blindspot mirror. in the midst of the winding road, we need divine intervention to set our paths straight. 

ok enough random nonsense that few people will read anyway. all i wanted to say here was that tonight brought back memories of a time not too long ago, where i was in the same position as a friend, except that location and religion were different. the cause of death is similar, the period of symptoms similar, and the way of ending similar. i could not feel anything except an intense twinge of sadness for him. perhaps it is just for a selfish reason, to make it seem like i am no longer alone in this emptiness few will experience.

my heart goes out to him for these few days, and perhaps in weeks to come, that he may find solace. for as i have reflected on my own experience, the day of the cremation and the day after it will be another time of intense sadness. when the coffiin is sealed the body in flesh will never be seen again, when the cremation is over all that is left is a white brittle reminder of someone we love, and the memories we keep of them. photographs serve only to remind us of the memory, but yet are unable to hold memories themselves. as such, i have long forgotten the voice i once took for granted. no vocal memory remains, as i try at times, in vain, to piece together a vocal recollection.

as the following week approaches, i do sincerely hope that peace may be with him when he needs it most. though words may fail me face to face, i hope the feelings managed to make it across the barrier of the individual.

the prom is over, with the hours flying by, but when did it actually start? time has slowed, as each hour, each day, requires deliberate action and planning.

once again, the holidays that were once anticipated and now in the process of being experienced never seem to meet expectations. sure, not studying, but what is the time for then? to eat, sleep, read, play with, or to go out? all but the rest are solitary activities, done within the comforts and confines of the home. having spent the past 3 days outside, at orchard, orchard and vivo, i have come to a conclusion that the next day and perhaps the next few should be spent at home, to recuperate.

these days, spent contemplating the future, and what possible areas of research i could involve myself with in the future, finding a niche amongst the cliche. filling up the gaps in info, the many gaps in info...

somehow, the countdown never really got started. from 3 weeks to zero days, it is finally over.

shall the countdown begin?

To see the sunrise,

what goes between,

sunset,
what more could we ask for?

loads more.
tangible, intangible
wealth, health.
but all i seek is a clear conscience, integrity and the grit to make it through.

the pathway to the light is strewn with various torture devices.
bear traps ensnare,
but beware of what we cant see.
in this forest without trees,
of falsehood, deception and facades
beware of common smiles,
because they belong to
masks.

HOPE. merely 4 letters, yet so powerful a word. it leaves and returns ever so often. this time it has left, but for how long?

reading about development economics can be rather depressing at times, seeing as how unfair this world is. i suppose survival comes first after all.

Perhaps not the final goodbye to ACS yet, but certainly goodbye to normal school, and the times it entailed.

i have had 6 years to think through what it meant to be a person from ACS. a shifting of sentiments and perception. before i joined the school, i followed what the general perception was: arrogant rich kids. but within the first day itself i was having doubts.

was it fate that made me write ACS down in my options for secondary schools, second choice, first being RI. perhaps not, just following in my brother's footsteps. was it fate that i missed the cutoff points needed to enter RI. (shan't put the blame on fate that i screwed up my science paper). and was it fate that i put ACS before Victoria, when i almost wanted to write Victoria first, knowing how many of my classmates would end up there, and with the school near to my house, why not?

what defines the ACS way of living? being one of a minority who takes public transport to school. Where recess is the lesson of the day most anticipated. Where teachers are all called by their first names, regardless of the rank. Where it is an innate ability to misbehave, yet knowing when to draw the line, and perhaps putting a toe across on some occasions. Where holidays are demanded with a fervor on those special occasions which call for them. and of course, how could i have left out the charity?

in a school where the students wear shorts that aren't short, i would say that yes, just like how this school stands out in having long shorts, the people in this institution did, do, and will continue standing out in a crowd. (for all the right reasons)

Living, Leafing (v) here

the grass just got a shade greener on the other side. winter in this summer and i know not why. and most importantly, where will my summer be?

this tree has prospered amidst an uncertain backdrop, yet i feel no attraction to the flora. will i be like a mistletoe, a parasite of other trees, or an epiphyte, latching on to reach greater heights? will i be like an angsana seed, gone with the wind, to distant shores to take root, or like a mangrove seed, germinating and growing within the safety of the branches, only to plunge within close range of the parent?

or the third option for an uncertain mind: to be a boomerang.

Children's day

today was spent at home studying. dont know what to say, just that i am feeling really drained now, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Aristolochia

guess this brief break is coming to an end within the next few hours. sure, this break was certainly welcomed, and i cherished all those boring moments of doing nothing. tomorrow shall be the start of the final hurdle towards the end.

thinking of the future is still scary. the further ahead, the scarier it gets. today was in Times reading through a horoscope for horses. turns out this year is supposed to be a good year for romance and financial matters. irony aint it, no romance, and certainly not exactly very good financial manipulation on my part. good finance juxtaposed with the possibility of a global downturn. does put matters into perspective, doesnt it?

why did i even bother looking at a horoscope? simply because there is always that hope, no matter how small, that i could know of the future beforehand. and secondly, because i had finished looking through the book store.

lastly, why the title of this post? because just like the flowers of these plants, life stinks but yet fascinates, has an architectural form, and most of all, traps us with deception because we are too captivated by it. and yes, we are the flies.

it is the little things in life that we choose to cherish and remember, not the large events. cycling today at east coast was no exception.

even in the midst of the exams, i have begun to ponder: do we have different friends for different reasons? different groups, each with their own associations that are not to be intermixed together at once. some that remain in the dark, just so i can forget when i talk to them.

i shall reach for the shuttlecock this time. whether i can reach it or not is a different ball/shuttle game altogether.

quote i happened to hear on the radio today: doesnt matter if you do not come from a close knit family. it just means that you have the rest of your life to make one of your own.

anger, disappointment, peace, calm, brief respite of mild happiness. this is my sort of roller coaster. hate it when others try to force their opinions.

Teacher's day

strange how we always remember death, commemorating it much more than the opposite, birth. 30th Aug was the last day of the 7th month, and yet, just two days later, is a birthday. though nothing remains to be celebrated, this teacher's day i will keep to heart.

this week certainly stands out from many others. a week of firsts and lasts. most probably the last time official PE is held in school, first and last time i played a sport on a non PE day, first and last time i play badminton in my school uniform, last teacher's day in school, last time i am going to someone else's primary school, last day of the term. and surprise of surprises, my birthday was unexpectedly celebrated in class after teacher's day celebration in class. a combined celebration with matthew's own birthday, but i appreciate it all the same. yet another first and last time: my birthday being celebrated in class.

been thinking about the education journey of almost 12 years. which part of it was the one which shaped my character? between primary and secondary, i would have to say primary. the time of your life where form teachers could afford to care for each member of the class by learning about each student almost to the extent of intimacy. such is how i want to remember my primary school as. not of the physical constraints of a school building, but rather the teachers who made learning possible. school refers not to a location of a building used for educational purposes, but simply a community of people.

progress, as we move forward. looking back, i realised that over the past 2 years, i have changed my perception towards things in general. taking plants as an example, i used to be so narrow minded, caring about learning everything only about one genera of plants, willing to ignore the rest of them. bit by bit, i started accepting that other plants werent that bad after all, and now have once more embraced plants i once termed normal and thus boring, with a more neutral stance.

i just hate having two faces, one to present to each side. keeping secrets, silences, is just not something i enjoy doing. human nature just cannot bear to let go of every niche in society, with jealousy even present within the circle of science. i think i should start fearing the outside world.